2005 Reflections

It has been a long and wonderful year. In reflection I am reminded of why every day counts and why moments are so important.

To pick up where I left off in April…the first 2 or 3 weeks were tiring and then things got better exponentially fast. I am lucky to have no complications and to have spent the rest of this year healthy and active.

I am approaching an annual visit with Dr. Loggie. It is exactly on the first anniversary of my surgery 2/1. Seems a little like some kind of sign to me, but these are the kind of things I cannot dwell upon too much or they make me crazy.

I am ever so thankful to be so healthy now. For 3 years prior to this last surgery I had severe chronic pain from rheumatoid arthritis. It's totally gone now. For the first time in 3 years I've been pain free and fully active. I consider this year a gift. I want to share some of what's happened with you because these are the things that keep us going when we are overwhelmed by that which we cannot control.

The only way I could reconcile my unknown future with PMP is to live my life ever so consciously and to pay attention to the wonders. I realized that if I might have limited time here I didn't have time for self doubt and fear. Letting go of self-doubt is easier than letting go of fear.

I still struggle with anxiety sometimes. Perhaps the most difficult part is how the struggle is with the unknown and the uncontrollable. You can do nothing but wait, put it aside or suffer. Right now I find myself in a place of anxiety. I believe it's a combination of things... the upcoming scan in January, the visit to Dr. Loggie, changes in medical insurance, the end of the year, and thinking about the upcoming year. I've been somewhat able to put my health out-of-mind the later half of this year, but it is especially in my face right now. I am trying to keep it in perspective, but I don't think anxiety has perspective. But back to the positives.

Here is just some of our year...

- Our oldest grandchild turned 4 and asks to spend time with us.

- My surgery in February was successful. Recovery was slow for me, but we made it through.

- My son and I became closer through and after the surgery.

- I drove my husband's 'bigger than mine' motorcycle and there was no going back. I loved it and I bought my own bigger bike (a Kawasaki MeanStreak 1600). It's red/orange and I call it the Phoenix. We also lovingly call it Clifford (the big red dog).

- My youngest step-daughter graduated from high-school.

- My son's longtime girlfriend graduated from college.

- Our very loving and very loved 16 year old dog Pal became very ill and we had to have her put to sleep. This was one of the hardest things we did this year. She was my husband's faithful companion for all of her years. She and I suffered from arthritis together and were sick together. She (and my Mom) took those post-surgery difficult 15 minute walks twice a day outside in the cold and snow with me every day when I was recovering - up and down the driveway over and over. We miss her very much.

- I learned to drive the truck with a trailer attached and how to load, tie down and unload my motorcycle. I even learned how to back it up.

- We rode our motorcycles up Mount Washington in NH. This was challenging and exhilarating. During the summer we rode up 3 of the highest peaks east of the Mississippi.

- We spent 2 weeks on vacation riding our motorcycles on the Blue Ridge Parkway and in the Great Smokie Mountains in VA, NC & TN. It was amazing and wonderful. I felt small there in those mountains and it was nice to be small for awhile after being so intensely focused on my body and healing.

- I started college in August working on my Master's Degree. This has been a transforming experience for me and I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

- I got more tattoos which I'd been planning on doing for many years. I considered something to replace my belly button but think I will pass on that at least for now.

- My nephew was born and I've been down to see them a few times already. I cannot be there enough.

- My Mom and I took a trip south together.

- Our second grandchild turned 1.

- Friends of ours had their first child. Other friends had their second child.

- We are expecting 2 more grandchildren, one in Feb. and one in May.

- I spent a week in Mississippi volunteering with Habitat for Humanity in a town that was in hurricane Katrina's path. This was a very rewarding week.

- I've gained my weight back and more (yikes!). I now need to go on a diet, which I'm starting this week.

This is getting rather long so I'll draw to a close. This has been a year of Being and a year of Doing. It's truly been a Gift. My hope is that others can find the things in their life that give meaning and give them a sense of contribution and value, what ever that may be.

For all of us looking forward to the unknown future (which we ALL are)... May your God lift up your heart.

~Laura